We lost Earl Ragnar, our favorite Beta fish.
& we were sure to give him a viking’s funeral as such a magnificent fish as he deserves.
See you in Valhalla my friend.
Sail, Ragnar. Sail.
One: Buy condoms. Buy them and keep them with you at all times, and use them before you are asked to use them. And use them every time. The peace of mind you allow your partner will free her to be vulnerable with you, and that, my son, is exactly what sex is about. Condoms are sexy. In fact, call buying condoms foreplay.
(Footnote: If you are too embarrassed to buy condoms, you are not ready to have sex.)
Two: Kissing is not merely foreplay. Spend entire evenings making out on the couch while fully clothed. Believe me, dry-humping rocks.
Three: Sex is not just about friction. It’s about emotion. Stop trying to find her clitoris and find her heart. Because then she’ll help you find her clitoris.
Four: If you really wanna know how to please a woman, ask her how she masturbates. Then do that. A lot. If she claims she doesn’t masturbate, offer to take her shopping for a vibrator so you can both learn the vocabulary of her body together.
Five: Don’t put anything in her butthole you wouldn’t want in your own.
(Footnote: Try a pinky finger, it’s kinda awesome.)
Six: When you go down on her—and you will go down on her, and if you are my son, you will be amazing at it—tell her how good she tastes. Stop in the middle and kiss her deeply so she knows how good she tastes. Do the same when she goes down on you.
Seven: A simple Google search will yield 1,327 euphemisms for male masturbation, yet only 23 for female masturbation. If guys spent less time jacking off and more time jilling off, this world would be a happier place.
Eight: Everything you need to know about the importance of the clitoris is in the movie Star Wars. You are Luke Skywalker piloting your penis-shaped X-Wing Fighter deep inside her trench. Remember: seventy percent of all Death Stars cannot be blown up through penetration of the trench alone. It must be through focused contact with that little exhaust port at the top of the trench. Otherwise, any explosions you experience will be merely Hollywood special effects.
Nine: Just because you come doesn’t mean she has, so don’t you dare come before her. Focus completely on your partner. Don’t worry about gettin’ yours, you’re a guy. You always get yours. Your job is to make sure she’s gettin’ hers.
Ten: If sex with your partner lasts no longer than this poem, you are not making love. You are masturbating with her body instead of your hand. Shame on you. Go back to step one. You’ve got a lot of learning to do.
Oh my god this looks like a hipster post but it’s just the king of hell
not enough hipster galaxy overlay
there we go
Still not hipster enough, we need some profound and meaningless words on this.
Meaningless and profound enough?
☆☾✧☯✞ follow for more soft hell ✞☯✧☾☆
Recently, your mother and I were searching for an answer on Google. Halfway through entering the question, Google returned a list of the most popular searches in the world. Perched at the top of the list was “How to keep him interested.”
It startled me. I scanned several of the countless articles about how to be sexy and sexual, when to bring him a beer versus a sandwich, and the ways to make him feel smart and superior.
And I got angry.
Little One, it is not, has never been, and never will be your job to “keep him interested.”
Little One, your only task is to know deeply in your soul—in that unshakeable place that isn’t rattled by rejection and loss and ego—that you are worthy of interest. (If you can remember that everyone else is worthy of interest also, the battle of your life will be mostly won. But that is a letter for another day.)
If you can trust your worth in this way, you will be attractive in the most important sense of the word: you will attract a boy who is both capable of interest and who wants to spend his one life investing all of his interest in you.
Little One, I want to tell you about the boy who doesn’t need to be keptinterested, because he knows you are interesting:
I don’t care if he puts his elbows on the dinner table—as long as he puts his eyes on the way your nose scrunches when you smile. And then can’t stop looking.
I don’t care if he can’t play a bit of golf with me—as long as he can play with the children you give him and revel in all the glorious and frustrating ways they are just like you.
I don’t care if he doesn’t follow his wallet—as long as he follows his heart and it always leads him back to you.
I don’t care if he is strong—as long as he gives you the space to exercise the strength that is in your heart.
I couldn’t care less how he votes—as long as he wakes up every morning and daily elects you to a place of honor in your home and a place of reverence in his heart.
I don’t care about the color of his skin—as long as he paints the canvas of your lives with brushstrokes of patience, and sacrifice, and vulnerability, and tenderness.
I don’t care if he was raised in this religion or that religion or no religion—as long as he was raised to value the sacred and to know every moment of life, and every moment of life with you, is deeply sacred.
In the end, Little One, if you stumble across a man like that and he and I have nothing else in common, we will have the most important thing in common:
Because in the end, Little One, the only thing you should have to do to “keep him interested” is to be you.
Your eternally interested guy,
Happy International Women’s Day
This is so beautiful. I almost cried.
This just touched me so deeply I can’t even.
Okay, I’m old as hell and I still really needed to read this.
you know how SNK has these bio sheets at the beginning of each manga?
and whenever a character dies, their picture is show in the following volume with an X over their face?
then, in the volume after that, their picture is taken out entirely
BUT DO YOU KNOW WHO’S FRECKLY ASSHOLE
KEEPS SHOWING UP
IN EVERY MANGA?
That’s just digging in the knife…
I love how when fan-fiction writers have friends in the fandom, to demonstrate their friendship, they dedicate porn to one another.
I think that’s lovely.
Taco cat spelt backwards is taco cat
IF ANYONE EVER TELLS YOU THAT SUCKER PUNCH IS AIMLESS ALMOST-PORN FOR NERD BOYS YOU PUNCH THEM RIGHT IN THE THROAT BECAUSE THAT IS THE FURTHEST FROM THE TRUTH. SIT YOUR ASS DOWN BECAUSE I’M ABOUT TO TELL YOU ABOUT THIS GODDAMN MOVIE.
THIS MOVIE IS SO FUCKING SELF-EMPOWERING, SO MIND-TWISTING WITH LAYERS AND LAYERS OF SETTING UNTIL YOU’RE LOST TO WHAT’S REAL AND WHAT’S FAKE. THESE GIRLS WHO ARE BEING PROSTITUTED AGAINST THEIR WILL FIGHT TO TAKE BACK THEIR BODIES THE ONLY WAY THEY CAN AND THEY WILL NOT STOP UNTIL THEY’RE FREE.
THE MUSIC IN THIS MOVIE MAKES YOU WANT TO SLAY A PLANET OF ZOMBIES AND KICK-ASS BOOTS AND SEQUINED SKIRTS BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT IT’S ABOUT. THESE GIRLS FUCKING DESTROY EVERYTHING IN THEIR PATHS IN MINI-SKIRTS THAT THEY KNOW THEY LOOK MORE BADASS THAN DEAN WINCHESTER IN AND THEY USE IT TO THEIR FUCKING ADVANTAGE AND IF YOU DON’T THINK THAT’S THE COOLEST SHIT I HOPE YOU HAVE TO RUN ACROSS A FIELD OF LEGOS AND PICK OUT EVERY SINGLE WHITE TWO-PIECE YOU LITTLE SHIT
I was gonna reblog it anyway because of the gif set but then I read the post and broke my hand over the reblog button.
THIS IS THE FUCKING PHONE THAT I LOST IN DECEMBER.
AFTER THE SNOW MELTED, I FOUND IT THIS MORNING FROZEN IN THE ICE.
HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET OUT THERE.
but does it work
I hate it when you’re reading smut and you can’t figure out what position they’re in.
sometimes it just ends up being something like
Y’ALL NEED JESUS
Please stop reblogging this post
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